I…

There is a feeling, like the coming of spring.

Poised.

Bereft.

Visions

Hmmm…

A night like any other night. The smell of burning rubber in the air, the sky a sickly orange, like orange flavored cod-liver oil, tainted by the overspill of light from the city.

We drive. I wonder, if it were photographed, would it look as I see it now? Or would it change if I looked too closely?

Trees devoid of leaves, streamlined branches and delicate twigs, emptiness cut and pasted stark against a painted background. Street lamps casting out nebulous globes of amber light, delineating the crisp outlines of squatter houses and shrubbery, making them indistinct shapes painted in progressively deeper shades of shadow. The road winding out and away into the darkness, rivers of red and yellow-white polka dot light, cars coming and going.

And behind it the city rises, majestically, shrouded in the smog that is its exhalation. A grey king.

The moon is sullen, jaundiced, indistinct against the smut-orange sky. A cloud bursts white, perhaps from a spotlight, while its compatriots show up ragged grey. The air is dense, compact, it feels difficult to breathe, as though the weight of it is too much. A palette of colors running into each other, while in the background the city broods against the glow of a banked fire.

Can you see it?

To The Future

I just read a review for Disney’s new 2D animation feature film, The Princess and the Frog. It sounds… hesitant. Certainly not exploding with praise. And I don’t think it’ll pack the same emotional punch Pixar offers. Actually, from the review, it looks like the show is going to be pretty typically Disney, just slightly lacking in charm.

There were actually only two things I was looking out for when it came to this movie: the animation and the music. If you’ve seen the trailer, then you won’t fault me for drooling a little. Gorgeous doesn’t even begin to cover it… I feel like a moth drawn to the light, staring at the screen, mumbling, “So pretty… soooo preeeettyyyyy” under my breath in zombie-like tones.

The music isn’t standard Disney, more of a Toy Story vein to it. Same composer, after all. The songs, from what I’ve heard, sound funky, happy and jazzy, which is great for jazz era New Orleans setting they’ve picked. But it also looks like nothing from this show is going to be quite as endearing or memorable as the songs from, say, Enchanted, let alone the other Disney classics.

Speaking of trailers, James Cameron’s Avatar looks like it should be a video game. Again, the visuals are so very, very pretty. He’s bringing a ten-year-old vision to life, which at this point looks like some of the better RPGs out there. The world looks spectacular, but from what I can see from the trailer, the story seems a little… predictable/cliched. It’ll be interesting to see if this will really become the next big hit, and whether it’ll become a video game after it’s theatre run is done. Because, really, it looks perfect for a game.

Silence and Slow Time

Such a lazy day. It’s quiet and the sky is overcast. The sun came out briefly, earlier, behind the clouds, bringing the sky to a pearly glow. It went soon enough, and night fell.

The house is in order, the spaces clear. Maybe a cloth or two lying about, but the counters are clean, the dishes are put away, the books are stacked and the tables wiped down. Clothes are freshly laundered and folded, the carpet vacuumed.

And there’s nobody around but me to make a mess.

It has been, as it has always been, exhilarating to get back into the swing of things. Things have been packed and I was ready to push. There is also the slow wear of living minute to minute, without more than a moment for an extra breath. So I’m here, sitting on the couch, luxuriating in the knowledge of time to spare.

Earlier, I ate, made coffee, read a book. Later, friends will come over to cook dinner, and there will be conversation and laughter.

There is the hum of the washing machine in the background. There is the sound of the clock, ticking slow minutes away into the silence.

And me, waiting in the ember glow of a quiet apartment.

So Deep In

That I can’t see the forest for all the trees.

I’m alternately excited about what I’m working on and just drowning in it all. I don’t know what I am any more.

Too much alcohol has a weird effect on people. I don’t care if you’re still nice, you’re a different person when you’re drunk. The question is, which is the real you, the one drunk or sober?

So, this is the transition period and each year different from the next. Interesting that I got myself into this situation. I suppose there isn’t much to be done about it now except try to beat the learning curve.

We live in interesting times.

Scatterbrain

It hasn’t stopped raining the whole day. Since the moment I opened my eyes and probably until I shut them again, the water just keeps coming down. I walked to and from campus in the rain, twice, my pants and shoes and bag all getting slightly damp. The little gurgling streams are inches deep in some areas. Alas, I had to suffer wet socks and cold feet. It is cold, too cold for the tail end of summer but still not as cold as winter. 

Last night I dreamed I was leaving from home to come back here. I think it was after winter break or some such thing. I had to catch a flight and brought nothing but my backpack and a large plastic bag full of stuff. I remember getting on to a vehicle of some sort, subconsciously wondering why it was so bright and why there was no sense of dread of a long flight ahead of me. And then I realized I was looking at my phone, when there should be no phones on a plane, at which point I realized what I was really on was a roller coaster (which, by the way, is much more fun than being on a plane). 

When the coaster came to a stop, I jumped out, running to find my gate because the plane was about to depart. I could feel the rush of adrenaline, the kind you get when you’re late for something. And I realized I didn’t know where anything was, so I didn’t know how to get to where I needed to be. In the general departure hall I saw a few familiar faces, friends from over here. I stopped to say hi, but got distracted when I suddenly discovered that I knew where my gate was and left hurriedly without saying goodbye to them. 

I ran into an elevator with golden doors and went down, willing it to go faster and the plane not to have left yet. When the doors opened there was that vague sense of relief because of the small flowering hope that I was not to late after all. I showed the person my ticket (boarding pass?) and she said something about needing authorization and that they would get it done for me. While we were waiting, she checked my backpack to optimize space and weight, paring things down quite a bit. I had a lot of food in there, not just curry paste in packets, but sliced cucumber too. We got rid of most of that.

And then the alarm rang and I woke with the word, “Already?” ringing in my head, wondering why the night was so short. 

This first full week of classes has been different. Strange. Alien. Disconnected and dissonant. I seem to be alternating between joy and misery, calm and panic. There are moments that, when I think about all the things I need to do, I can’t catch my breath. I go through bouts of severe doubt, wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Usually these doubts arise when I have to do homework.

I think all this is reflected in my dream. One of these days I’ll write an analysis on it.

And Again, Why?

Why am I reliving my first year here so very vividly? 

Yesterday, just sitting with three of my friends as they cooked and then eating with them after was the first measure of peace I’ve had in a long while. So I gave God thanks for it. 

Now I’m sitting up here worrying about one thousand and one things, too much adrenaline in my system to fall back asleep. 

Thinking over past decisions and wondering why.

Up

When I went to watch the movie yesterday, it was without any expectations whatsoever. The flying house concept was great and typically Pixar, but I just couldn’t imagine how they could make a story about a grumpy old man and a little kid engaging. Still, I was a little excited, because it’s Pixar and I trust them. 

It was amazing and I loved it.

The short at the beginning was really good, as it usually is. Pixar does amazing work with music and expression and has a great sense of comedic timing. The very best short I’ve ever seen is, I think, Big Band. But this one was entertaining, creative and sweet, in its way. I just feel sorry for the stork. 

As for the movie itself, it was a great story. It was funny and cute and heart warming. Minor quibbles: the talking dogs didn’t do much for me and the villain could have been resolved differently, but these are simply minor points completely overshadowed and blown away by the charm of the movie as a whole. The animation was excellent, the designs spectacular. I especially liked the design for the people. Not exact to reality, but so believable. Pixar does these things right. And the story was so, so much more than just a simple adventure, hitting all the right notes without being sentimental, thanks to great characters and the most beautiful first ten minutes of a movie I’ve ever watched.

Russell was adorable and completely un-irritating, Mr. Fredricksen has a heart of gold. But what blew me away was how they could create a character who, despite appearing for something like ten minutes, is one of the most endearing, believable, lovable characters ever. Her presence permeates the entire movie and made it completely heart wrenching. The tears flowed and flowed. 

Writing about it doesn’t do it justice. It’s just something you’ll have to see for yourself.

A Gift of Rain

It’s not every day a girl turns twenty one. That’s what I woke up thinking to the sound of rain and the breeze drifting in the window. It was night and I woke as though I didn’t want to miss a moment. 

I’m blessed with great family and meteor showers and the gift of rain.

Why

So far, I’ve been to an art gallery, sat in on an interview with the CEO of a small company, learned how to make compost and sat in on an interview with an artist.

I saw an organic garden planted on the land that comes with a corner house and met a tiny, wrinkled, brisk old lady who was story in her own right. The house was airy and quiet, the garden sun-drenched and warm. There was canopy of plants, curling, climbing things on a wooded frame, that breathed a little freshness into the air and cut the humidity. I want one of those when I have a house. It was incredibly peaceful.

The lady had a philosophy, that successful growing comes from building a relationship with your plants and giving back at least as much as you take. And to be patient. She was sincere, and grounded, and very genuine, and I personally think this is as much a philosophy for life as anything.

The artist had a canopy too, but his was still in the stages of growing. He had a small canopy, a cherry tree in his small front yard, a square table and benches stained dark with varnish. He paints under the small porch just outside his front door. There, too, it is very peaceful.

I went out to watch Harry Potter with Li Ee. That was only last week, now that I come to think about it. Not five days ago. We wanted to watch The Proposal, both having read good reviews. But we were disappointed, for the papers had jumped the gun. So we went to watch Harry instead. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t in the mood for it, or maybe it’s because I’m one of those people who just can’t unsee the book scenes, but I was actually a little bored.

Old friends of the family came by, who I haven’t seen since I was a small child and who I barely remember. They were excellent company, though, and had wonderful stories to tell. And I can’t help but wonder, how does it work if you decide to make the world your home? Maybe, ultimately, it just doesn’t.

I’ve grown fond of the little things I write each day. Some brain lubricant is better than none. Although I am pretty sick of the Internet.

I played guitar one weekend until my fingers couldn’t take it any more. I was reminded that God is a prayer away, when I’m not too annoyed to reach for him.

I’ve moaned and groaned more than my fair share because life is slipping through my fingers and I’m not doing anything with it. When the future gets here I’ll have more things to do than time to do it in. I wish events were spread out a little more evenly. I don’t want to lose any more time.

I saw a rainbow.

Often I’m a whole bundle of misery and irritation. And I’m still unbalanced by the strangeness of it all.